My State of Wait
Have you learned patience yet?
I read the one line text from my sister and smiled. It was a loaded question, of course. Behind her inquiry was her acknowledgment that a burdensome wait has been set before me.
Back in July of 2020, I was informed that I would be undergoing brain surgery in September for the removal of two aneurisms discovered after a stroke I’d suffered in May.
Now its six months later and I am still waiting for that surgery.
As the pandemic rages and hospitals are focused on other priorities, I wait.
Six months of delayed anticipation and reduced activity, I wait.
I met with the neurosurgeon and was assured that the wait will not lead to my demise. I was told I will make it through the delay just fine.
I know some of the effects of my stroke have been hidden by the virus. My level of activity is much lower than it was a year ago, but then, so is everyone else’s. And like everyone else, I am anxious to get back to my normal levels of socialization, shopping, road trips, and the like.
I am getting by day after day. Still, have I learned patience yet?
Well, no. But then, has anyone?
The way I see it, patience is like sunscreen; it needs to be applied each time one is exposed to the opposing force.
Truthfully, I am not sure if patience is something that is learned. We endure what we need to endure in the best composure we can muster. And we don’t improve or effect the time frame of the wait even if our “patience” runs out.
There are many different things that may appear to demonstrate the quality of patience but they are actually different skills.
I can learn to still my thoughts and to sit quietly. That may give the appearance of patience, but its not patience really, it’s a controlled stillness of mind.
I can make it through months of delay by daily accepting that the cause of my wait is out of my hands and there is nothing I can do about it. That, too, may appear as patience, but it’s not, it’s simply surrendering to the wait; a daily renewal of acceptance.
I may get through a period of waiting through immense, yet quiet suffering and so it will appear as if I am waiting patiently, but I’m not. I have really just been secretive of my feelings and I haven’t shared my burden with others.
When people advise me to “Be patient,” I wonder how to do that on command.
The word patience seems to imply that one is in a contented state, that even though something is yet in an incomplete form, there is no feeling of urgency for its completion. The New Webster Dictionary defines it as “waiting without losing heart.”
When we are excited about the prospect of an upcoming event or reward, we can try to hide it, but inside we are not really being patient at all. We may try to put anticipatory thoughts out of our minds so we can appear patient and avoid getting too excited, but the truth is that these thoughts come back to us again and again as we wait.
We can say truthfully, “I am trying to be patient,” but that is just an acknowledgment that, at that moment, we are not really being patient at all.
Come to think of it, we probably wouldn’t have made it through so much evolution and advancement if people could really be so cool and relaxed about not getting things done. Instead, we often act as though yesterday is not fast enough to get our projects completed and to see the changes we want to see.
I had a college professor once who used to repeat often that, “Adaptation is a synonym for mental health.” I would add that it is also a synonym for patience.
The whole world needs to adapt and adjust right now and the mental health of everyone is at stake. We don’t just get to “quit” the pandemic because we are tired of it. We need to endure.
We have all been living under restrictions, and we are anxious for them to end. Although I still dread my surgery, I am ready to get it behind me.
We wait, but have we lost our hearts?
I think everyone is just doing the best he or she can right now. We go with the flow; sometimes it is easy and sometimes it’s not. We learn our limits, and when we run up against them, we learn to be okay with where they are.
When it’s over, we will all look back and say, “We had to be patient, but we made it through.” At that point, our emotional roller coaster ride will be over, and we will not want to dwell on it because we’ll be busy looking forward and getting on with our lives. Until then, we just need to adjust, over and over and over again.
I am learning to find stillness in the moment. My mind and my brain need that right now. I go through the process of a daily acceptance of the things I do not control.
I wait. I also try to not burden others with the frustration that I feel.
So no, Sis, I have not learned patience, but like everyone else during these times, I apply a fresh coat daily.
