Good Grief!

It’s old news. Everyone is growing tired of navigating the year we are living.

If we pause and reflect on what’s happened, it makes us sad.

The pandemic has impacted almost everyone. We have lost a lot of lives, and economic readjustment has caused chaos in store closures, job losses, and purchasing patterns. There are angry people on the streets. Fires and hurricanes have ruined the homes and livelihoods of many. We are all busy just trying to keep up and keep from being overwhelmed.

One of the problems is that we know about all the problems.

Personally, I find myself wanting to look away from all the people losing their jobs, or losing their homes, and the many, many who are grieving. If I am honest, I really don’t want to know about other people’s problems or their Zoom fatigue, or any of the other endless frustrations that are out there. I don’t want to know because I feel powerless about it. Knowing just makes me sad.

The quantity and the content of the issues numbs the mind.

Are we becoming overwhelmed with grief?

I hope people directly affected by the loss of a loved one to Covid-19 have found some way to mourn and grieve with their family, community, and friends. But there’s no doubt that the rest of us are being affected by this virus as well, forced to adapt to lockdowns, school closures, job losses, business closings, and much more. And the death toll continues to climb. Psychologists tell us it’s not healthy to ignore grief. They say the first step is to recognize it. Instead, we often try to escape our feelings by ignoring them and distracting ourselves by watching something entertaining or funny on a screen. But grief doesn’t just go away.

Grief is a complicated psychological state and it presents or conceals itself in various ways; ways like denial, anger, depression, and apathy. Even ignored or stifled grief continues to silently affect us. It doesn’t “go away” until the event or crisis is over and we’ve taken time to make some sense of it.

The crisis isn’t over yet.

Perhaps we might collectively acknowledge our grief and slowly weave it into our overwhelmed and confused society. This might do us all some good.

Dr. David Kessler, a grief specialist and author of Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, reminds us that, “People are hitting the wall because we’re talking about these deaths in every other way except loss. It’s a political device or a medical crisis or a mask debate. We’re not talking about Juan’s mother or Susan’s brother.”

Dr. Kessler says we feel grief when a change occurs that we didn’t want. Right now, he says, we are collectively grieving many things that we don’t want. We may be in a holding pattern, circling around the first stages of grief, often experienced as chronic sadness, anger, or denial.

Seems there is no guide book. We are each on our own to figure this out.

Dr. Paul Slovic is a professor of psychology at the University of Oregon and president of Decision Research, a think tank of scientists from all over the world who study decision-making in times of risk and trouble. Dr. Slovic gives us some important information in the September, 2020 National Geographic magazine. He shares an article entitled “Why our minds can’t make sense of COVID-19’s enormous death toll.” by Sarah Elizabeth Richards. Within we are told,

“More tragedy doesn’t always elicit more empathy; it can counterintuitively bring about apathy. The magnitude of the death toll can cause some people to become less compassionate.”

Dr. Slovic calls this phenomenon “psychic numbing.”

In a 2004 study that looked at charitable giving, Dr. Slovic found that people’s concern for those in distress didn’t increase as the number of needy cases did. He says, “Our feelings are very strong for one person in danger, but they don’t scale up very well. If there are two people you don’t feel twice as bad. Your attention gets divided and you don’t have as strong an emotional connection.”

Dr. Slovic suggests that our brains evolved this way as a coping mechanism. Millions of years ago, or even thousands of years ago, people weren’t aware of distant people’s plagues, conflicts, or disasters, so we naturally focused on protecting ourselves, our families, and our small communities.

In addition, the long duration of the pandemic, combined with the absence of a clear end can dull people’s sense of shock, other experts say. Simply put, some brains have gotten used to hearing about COVID-19 deaths to the point where higher numbers no longer register emotionally.

The U.S. Center for Disease Control’s web page suggests that rituals are important when dealing with grief and loss. They urge a symbolic action such as planting a tree in honor of a loved one.

I would add tying a black ribbon around a tree, or flying your flag at half-mast once a week, or hanging a black wreath on your front door are other ways to make a personal statement. The gesture may be small but it’s a way to stand in solidarity and reclaim a bit of control.

The CDC also suggests creating new rituals to replace activities that have been lost; whether due to closings, financial status, lockdowns, change of environment or illness. It is important, they say, to replace the activities we can no longer do with things that we can do. Giving ourselves assigned tasks to fill the time, keeping ourselves active and productive and thinking about new ideas for the future will help keep our minds and bodies ready for a new “normal” when it comes.

This can be as simple as starting an herb or flower garden that will need tending. Some people have adopted a new hobby or even a new pet as a way to express their love and create a new flow of activity and focus for the entire household.

But let’s try to never forget what the numbers really mean. There is a lot of pain going around out there and I think we need to collectively acknowledge it somehow.

Because behind our masks, I think we are grieving.

I hope we will all remember to be kind and patient with each other. Eventually we will emerge from this complicated era and these hard times; we always do. We need to be there for each other in the meanwhile.

If we want to return to a feeling of normality, we will need to move through our collective and individual losses. Let’s be brave and acknowledge our pain and sadness. Let’s collectively show support for each other in whatever ways we can. I believe our recovery will come much faster if we do.